What am I doing here, and who are you people?

Over the past couple of weeks, I have packed, moved 2.5 hours south, unpacked, taken a 200 question ICU/EKG pass/fail test (I would have gotten cancelled, more on that later), gotten six hours of orientation in a hospital I have never stepped foot in (not unusual), started the new assignment, picked up overtime, lost all of my mail, set the stove on fire in the company apartment (crisis averted), spilled the contents of a fist sized sacral wound on my shoe, coded a patient, and finally, got punched in the face by a detoxing psych patient.

I need a beer.

I will say, this facility and its surrounding city is a huge improvement over my last assignment. The unit is mostly organized and clean, the staff is fairly nice, and their computer system is tolerable. After comparing the worst case scenario from my last assignment with my current one, I seem to have found the two extremes of work conditions within travel nursing. I had to learn the hard way, but I am glad that I got it out of the way early. However, after settling into a routine over the past several days, I have encountered my toughest obstacle yet: 

Loneliness

Professionally, I feel as though I can handle most situations either crisis or routine. If a patient's heart stops, you press the big blue button and start compressions.  If someone's sugar is a whopping 10 points and they are unconscious, I just give them dextrose through their IV.  As a nurse I can deal with screaming physicians, condescending families, and bitchy co-workers that need an attitude check. What I can't seem to navigate are my "feelings."  Ugh. Just the word makes me shudder. While I was preparing to take this nursing position, all I could consider was the glamorous opportunities that I would have while I traveled all over the US with my dog. I had faintly mentioned to myself that I would have a reduced social life, but it was a fleeting thought that was overrun by my elation at the possibilities.  

Even among the chaos of my last assignment gone awry, I had another traveler in my apartment building that was my age. We went for drinks a few times, bitched about the hospital, and were general companions. I've been in this new place for two weeks... with no one. Well, I do have Lucy, but you can reference my previous post about how she feels about me these days. Admittedly, I did kind of start seeing someone while I have been here. They are back in my last city though, 2.5 hours away. I can drive fairly frequently to see them, but it is difficult. So, you get the point, mostly alone all of the time.

This all raises a couple of questions about travel nursing. The big one is, "Is this all worth it?" I am away from my entire support system, anything familiar, and since I live in a company furnished apartment, I don't even really have my own things. At the recommendation of a traveler that worked at my last full time job, I did bring a few knick knacks with me that have sentimental meaning. I really do think that that was the best tip I received prior to my departure. When I come home from a 14 or 15 hour shift, it's nice to see stuff my Mom and some friends gave me, even if the benefit is subconscious. 

Normally I would just work 4-5 shifts a week, at 12 hours a piece to fill my time. However, this particular facility frowns on overtime for travelers. I can understand that. A normal employee cost them 1.5 times more than normal. According to my shady math, I cost them 4x more than normal by the time they pay the agency and me. On a healthcare system that is already burdened by cut backs, new Medicare reimbursement policies, and a push to go to entirely electronic medical records, the cost of travelers adds fuel to the fire. Each hospital you go to is going to be in various states of financial disrepair, that is becoming the new norm among medical facilities. It's disheartening, but it's the present reality. 

My personal reality is that I currently can't escape myself. It is just me, myself, and I, with no distractions. As someone that is in their twenties, that brings the whole quintessential "discovering myself" thing to a whole other level.  I have no one to tell me what to do, when to do it. I have several days off at a time, so I really have no schedule of any kind. I've never had this level of freedom before. It's...different. I am not really able to put my finger on it yet. Most people say they would kill for what I do, but the bottom line is that most people require structure to function in a productive manner as human beings whether they like it or not.

So, is this worth it? Absolutely. Sometimes I have to re-convince myself of that answer, but in the end it truly is. The nights alone and endless amounts of time may seem long and empty right now but the adventures I am having in between shifts and in between assignments has far outweighed my temporary bouts of sadness. The sadness and loneliness is not something that really gets spoken about a lot in other blogs and reference material, at least not the ones I looked into. I will tell you, it is there, and it sucks. Sometimes, its palpable. 

It's nights like that on an assignment where you discover who your real friends are. I have friends spread out all over the country and with the advent of Facebook, it's damn near impossible not to know what they are up too.  You have to learn to be honest with people, and vocalize where your head is at. When your primary means of communication is either in text or through voice, it's difficult for people to know that something is up. I find that being away from home has forced my conversation to be more dense and meaningful then before. The "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" theory will really teach you about the people you surrounded yourself with before you left. Friends that love you will remember to contact you, and check up on you. Remember those people, and take note of their efforts. 

I'm coming up on two months of traveling, and the most enjoyable thing I have learned is where my priorities lie. It's no longer about partying (I am really good at it, ask anyone), spending money on frivolous things (Also a talent of mine), or working my way into another tax bracket. It's about other people as human beings, and what you can contribute to their lives, may it be your family, your friends or your patients. If you keep that straight, the rest will work itself out. 

And PS: That pass/fail test? It's a test that some assignments give travelers on arrival in order to determine their eligibility to work. You can drive across the country to start a new job and your ass will be sent packing before orientation even starts if you don't know your stuff. Whatever your specialty may be, you better love it, own it, and learn it.

OH, and just so you know, I made a 95% IN YO' FACE!

Day 12 of Unemployment: Things I have discovered thus far.

Well, here I am. I'm in my agency apartment with my dog and all of my belongings. Twiddling my thumbs...Looking around...with nothing on my agenda for...days. There's no where I have to be, nothing I have to do, for the first time in my life since I was a teen. I've had a full time job since I was 16. I went to the school board in high school and got a piece of paper signed so that I could work more hours than the laws allowed. As an adult, I have always worked overtime and offered to pick up shifts. I am a machine. Then, that whole "fired" thing happened.

I should start off by saying that my outlook is bright and sunny. My agency found a new assignment for me in 14 hours. Literally. My recruiter submitted me to five hospitals at 0830 that Monday morning, and at 2130 that night I had a phone interview with an ICU night manager. By 2230 she had called the agency and left a message that she would love to have me. Hear that people? LOVE. I certainly felt vindicated...then I checked my bank account. My victory balloon promptly deflated.  The realization that I would go an entire 4 weeks without a paycheck was more horrifying than an unannounced JCAHO inspection.  From that moment on, I went into financial hoarder mode. I prepared the apartment like a three week blizzard was coming. I stocked the cabinets with dry goods, bread and milk. I bought some extra dog food for my pug, Lucy, and withdrew $100 cash to keep in my sock drawer for an absolute emergency (wine is not an emergency). I was finally the poster child for preparation, so I went to bed.

Fast forward 12 days.  Since I was cancelled, these are the things I have discovered:

1)  I can watch 4.6 episodes of terrible reality television on my iPhone before it dies.

2)  It is actually possible for your dog to get tired of you. Lucy the Pug now resides under the side table in the living room despite my pleas for attention.

3)  If you walk in a circular pattern through my apartment 36 times, it equals 0.15 miles, according to Google Maps AND Apple Maps within 0.01 accuracy. 

4)  The night shift employees at Planet Fitness gym are NOT my friends at 0200,  they don't get paid enough.

5)  You can use a tea bag about 2.5 times before you actually HAVE to throw it away. It's 0.5 the third time because the taste really is questionable at that point. 

You get my point. I've had a lot of extra time on my hands. Time that would normally be filled with codes, poop, blood, and other delightful, fun things. Somewhere in that 12 days though, I happened upon some stuff that was unexpected:

1)  When you're on the road and you know no one within a 200 mile radius, you and your journal are your best friends. As a travel nurse, you have the unique opportunity to be whoever you want to be every 13 weeks. Don't waste it. Spend time discovering YOU. Want people to call you by your middle name for a while? Introduce yourself that way on your first day.  Want to chop all of your hair off and wear mostly black? Do it! (Stay professional!)  Just think of the freedom. It's terrifying and exhilarating.

2)  When implementing a five year plan, it only works if you actually follow it. There are thousands of "on-line only" BSN programs. I currently hold an Associate's degree in nursing which has gotten me very far. However, to really move yourself up the RN ladder, your bachelor's degree is the next step.  Turns out if you ask nicely, some of the schools will waive their application fee for various reasons.  Just do your research and make sure the school is reputable and accredited.  Thanks to my job's demise, I currently start school at the end of August.  Also, depending on your specialty, there are certifications that you can test for that usually turn into a pay increase. I am currently studying for my CCRN (Critical Care Registered Nurse), but there is one for Med Surg, OR, ER, and various other departments. 

3)  Learning never stops. When it does, you're in trouble. I have learned to how to make a penny stretch three different ways, and that I don't die because I failed to have my daily mocha-skinny-large-extra foam-half-caff monstrosity at $4.75 a cup. Between previously selling all of my belongings and now being essentially penniless, I realized why Tibetan Monks are so at peace. Ok! Maybe that last sentence was a little dramatic, but you get the point: Appreciate what you have when you have it. There are practical lessons also. I found out that you can wash ziploc bags in the dishwasher and they change into new, re-usable ziploc bags. Surprisingly, it turns out I don't have to have the most expensive toilet paper...it all ends up the same place. My ass is none the wiser. 

See? This is me, turning lemons into lemonade. Nurses love lemonade (with vodka).

I leave in a few days for my new city, my new apartment, and my new assignment. I will get another paycheck in couple of weeks, and my life will eventually return to normal once I catch up a few things. One thing will be very, very different though. Me. I now know what it feels like to be completely alone and completely out of options. I barely evaded being homeless and unemployed. I never want to feel that way ever again. It's like a bad dream. So when my new job starts on Monday, I plan to show up with spankin' new Big Girl Panties on(Hot pink! With Lace!). I can't wait!

Oh, and because I have looked for an excuse for three entries now, here's my pug Lucy that I mentioned earlier:

She's truly my best friend.